Breaking My Family’s Heart

I know I do not have to share my sexual identity. But sometimes I often wonder if my sexual identity creates context for the divorce with my ex-husband and my family. I think a part of me fears the acceptance or lack thereof when it comes to people I want to stay in my life. And I know I cannot control the actions or acceptance. But that does not mean I am not afraid of losing those relationships forever. But I know without honesty... There is no truth. And I leave everyone heartbroken with no chance of acceptance or options. The risks become the relationship and potential option of one in the future. My family has been a truly supportive family in every stage of my growth. And I am not oblivious to how they have been a part of my life. It made it easy to betray myself and almost hide or mask my sexual identity to appeal to the acceptance or lack thereof when it comes to my preferences. It made it easier to lean into my survival methods of staying quiet and continue to stay "satisfied" and "happy". It made everything easier to stay comfortable and push further away from my truth.

The truth is... I am gay, and not in the traditional sense of lesbian or bisexual. Although people confuse a lot of the LGBTQ+ community. And even when I met someone who gave me the bodily attraction that I could not explain, I continued to deny the feelings because I was straight. I was married. And I was happy. And it was at no fault of my ex-husband. We grew together. We learned together. We built together. We relied on one another. His mental and emotional connection we developed earlier on in our lives. But him and I both never thought.

I am Pansexual. Or even what it means.

Pansexuality is a sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to people of any gender or regardless of gender identity. The term comes from the Greek prefix pan, which means "all". 

Some people who identify as pansexual may describe themselves as gender-blind, meaning that gender is not a determining factor in their attraction to others.

Pansexuality is different from bisexuality and omnisexuality, though some people use the terms interchangeably:

• Bisexuality: Attraction to people of two or more genders

• Omnisexuality: Attraction to people of any gender, but with some people finding that gender is still a factor in their attraction.

And I do not want to confuse anyone. This sexual identity realization was not the root cause of my divorce. And I know in divorce people associate divorce as something negative. If anything, my divorce was a part of my acceptance and journey of owning my own life and independence. As well as for my husband. Being so young and interdependent on one another, we easily neglected ourselves and how we had grown. What we had learned. My best friend is heartbroken and so am I. I still deeply care about my best friend, and we still continue to be in each other's lives. It was not as we thought it would be originally.